Stuck In A Rut (a.k.a. I Am My Own Worst Enemy)

I’ve been feeling an inordinate amount of stress lately.

Sure there are loads of reasons that are quite legitimate that would explain it. We live about 4000 miles away from any family. We just got to see them in lovely, sunny, warmth for too short a time. Now we’re back, it’s suddenly “summertime” which means that the kids are home 24/7, and hot where I live means 70F (20C). Sure, it may feel nice, but come on, it’s not hot. My oldest was picked on during soccer camp. It’s not the first time this has happened at this particular summer camp. He was picked on by kids that are in his school class as well. OUCH! That hurts. I worry that it will linger into the school year. I worry about money. Things have been so tight for so long. So in a panic I start looking into part time jobs, and then I realise that the things I’m looking into would be the MOST terrible fit for me. (my husband agreed when I told him. “yeah, don’t do that.” he said.) But, I think, if we don’t do something we won’t be able to put the kids into summer camp for another week and I might really go crazy if I don’t get some alone time soon! And I really want to be able to get out of this house. It’s so grey here I might implode if I don’t get to get away, as in off this island away, from time to time. We’re not talking luxury here people, we’re talking survival. Survival! I’ve been dreaming of having focused time for writing this coming year and I’m so close to it but now it might get taken away. Then I remember all the times that I’ve been so close to things that seemingly have been taken away and on and on it can go.  So, I worry about things…

I want to write more and build a better blog but I’m not sure which direction to take. So instead of just writing, I do research and more research. I mull things over in my mind. It’s inspiring yes, but in the end I wonder, am I avoiding actual writing because I’m afraid it won’t work out? That my efforts will prove something less than my dreams?? (Wow. That’s a powerful thought.)

So, as the time passes I keep feeling more and more pent up.

Clearly this isn’t working.

I can see that I need to go for it. (Hence, this post is born.)  I just need to try something. I don’t really have anything to lose. It’s something I really enjoy and am excited about. I never understand though, how all these things can be true yet it feels like wading through wet clay to start. I hate that! Wet clay is no fun to have to wade through. Not one bit!! Am I the only one? I doubt it, but somedays it sure feels like it. Especially when I look at facebook. 😉 

So, here’s to a tiny step. Here’s to not being my own enemy. Tips anyone? Anyone else been wading through clay?


One thought on “Stuck In A Rut (a.k.a. I Am My Own Worst Enemy)

  1. I can definitely identify with you on the blog…I had a blog for 2 years that I never wrote on because I didn’t think I would do a good job. Losing Isaiah gave me a reason to write, but I never intended for our blog to only be about loss – and sometimes I feel it has to be because so many people who have also lost are subscribed. I just realize that if it reflects our life and is from the heart, then it is what it was meant to be. Hang in there – you are not alone – in any of these things. 🙂

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